The heart that never returned
by Cucumbermonster4
Summary: *Hey, love, did you know I hate the ocean for taking you away? Did you?* Warning: AU character's may be a tad bit OOC, and that there is character death. Human names used/Fail, title is so fail/


**Please note that anything you do recognize is not mine. That it belongs Hidekaz Himaruya. But you already know that. **

* * *

I sat on the beach in the exact place were the dry and wet sand meet. My toes were in the water being touched by the tide. The sun was fading in the horizon milking the sky in orange hues and pink tints. Warm colour's splashed around in the waves and I wondered how I got here, not that I mind, it was like heaven, and hell. The warm sun hit my cool skin as the mild evening turned to a freezing twilight. This was always your favourite time of day.

The sea smelt of salt and pine as I grazed my hands in the rough sand. The low wind tossing my hair around. It felt like this was all a dream and it probably was, a lovely dream. A dream I didn't want to wake up from. The last sliver of sun had finally passed on causing the horizon to glow in a eerie shimmer. I dared not close my eyes, for if I did I would not be there for your arrival. Even if I knew it would never come.

A boat I would never see again. A face that would no longer smile, so I did it for you. The tips of my lips turned up in a pathetic grin. I winced knowing what you would have said about it. A deep scowl on you as you scolded me about disrupting my beautiful face. That no face should wear such an expression. The silence was deafening it seemed as nothing but my breathing lived.

I finally closed my eyes, freely letting the tears leak out into the open like freezing sapphires. I wasn't supposed to cry but then again we always used to joke about me being the female in this relationship. I laughed, mocking the ocean. The one thing that took the only person I cared for, lived for.

"Antonio," I whimpered, throwing the sand in my hand into the ocean. I repeated the name over and over like a mantra.

"'Tonio, Antonio, 'Tonio, Antonio..." I was like a broken record at this point and then when I opened my eyes again I was greeted by a white ceiling. You know the ones with those little paint bubbles on them.

I groaned out as pain riddled my insides. 'Were was I?, am I...dead, god I hope so,' Someone was shuffling around beside me but it sounded more like drums banging to a scream-o song. Fluttering my eye's open and close for a while, I tried to redeem my eye sight to it's original state.

I could here cars crashing together and I sought out the noise to a corner in the room, finding a small TV. An action show was playing on the screen, I frowned. 'So I'm alive..?'

"Ah, Mr. Carriedo. Good to see you finally awake. You have been in a small coma for the past week, seems you took to many depressants and had an over dose..." This female explained. I looked at her tag and read 'Dr. Dorothy Hemming'.

I simply nodded, "When can I leave doctor?"

"Well, actually, you can leave today but you will be required to see a therapist," She instructed.

"Well I don't want to," I grounded out through clenched teeth. Closing my eyes.

The female sighed before nodding. "I understand, sir. But I recommend it since..."

"Since what? Since I'm suicidal?" I cut her off calmly, trying to control my anger. Anger I have not had since his death.

I moved to get out of the lumpy hospital bed. Ignoring the pain in my body and the ache in my stomach. I sat at the edge. I was in a white hospital gown that contrasted against my tanned skin. How I missed the Italian sun and the freashly harvested tomatos. I think I may need a vacation, for once.

I looked around the room and saw my clothes on a red chair that was beside the bed. My black jeans were there along with my white t-shirt and elbow sleeved, plaid button up. The doctor pulled the divider up to give me some privacy.

I gave her a forced, small smile in thanks and pulled on the clothing. Once I was done I folded up the gown and handed it to one of the nurses that came in to fill for the doctor.

The room was a pale white and everything was like waking up dead. The room was lifeless and smelt like medicine. The mood of the place also made my depression worse. Yeah I needed to go to Italy and visit my fratello. And quick, I mean he was one of the few I actually trusted.

Doctor Hemming came around once more to give me a quick run over. While she made me do this and do that I got a good look at her. She was a creamy pale with bright colourful cheeks. Plain brown eyes stared me down and her face had a lot of laugh and smile wrinkles. You could tell she was at least in her 50's and a wedding band ran around her wedding finger. I winced remembering how I cast mine into the ocean.

"Are you okay?" She asked me when she saw me wince.

I nodded "Your married." I stated motioning to her ring. She smiled happily running her fingers over it.

"Yes, I am. Does that bother you?" She asked me in a voiced filled with love for her spouse.

"What would you do if your 'best friend' died?" Came my monotone reply. Answering her question with one of my own.

"I don't know and I hope I don't have to figure that out. Figure out a life without him," Realization shone in her eyes.

Her brown hair swished as she walked me to the reception area. In which a young man sat at. He had his black hair in a tiny pony tail and was on the phone yapping away. Once I came forward though and saw me and Mrs. Hemming he immediately stopped talking to the person on the other line. Finishing it off with 'I'll grab the milk on the way home love.'

My heart clenched at this and I scowled. ',Is everyone married and in love?' I remember when my damn bastard used to annoy me about the little things. I gave a bitter smile as I looked back to that moment.

* * *

_FLASH BACK_

I was in front of the classroom informing everyone about a test they were going to have next Friday. The classroom was small and held about 16 children. All were, of coarse, boy's since I worked at an all boys school. It was the last period of the day and the little munchkins were sitting quietly in there seats. Of coarse I yelled at them a lot before I achieved such a feet, and gave them all a essay. A 10 pages long, and had to be due tomorrow kind of essay. God I loved my job.

The sun shone in through the windows painting colours on the ceiling. Sky blue and everyone was jumping waiting for the bell to chime. To grant them there freedom. I rolled my eyes at there childish antics and went back to talking. Boring them to death was fun, not my problem.

"Okay and I want all of you to bring in that essay tomorrow 6 am. Sharp. If not I will add 2 more pages for everyday you miss, not only that, but if you don't hand it in I will call your parents. And I will keep you in to write another 5 pages about how you weren't able to complete it. Perfect grammar and spelling!" This all received groans in which I smiled at pleasantly.

"Now grab all your things and begin to pack up. I am going to take you all out for the remainder of the time," I then went to my desk and started to clean, everyone rushing about and chatting with each other.

Piling up math tests and schedules. My wedding band shone in the light it's golden beauty making me smiling softly. Then my phone started to ring.

~ Pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows! Pink fluff-

I blushed furiously knowing that wasn't my original ring tone and growled as some of my students giggled. I was so going to kill Antonio once I got home.

"Hi Lovi!" Came the deep overly cheery voice.

"What did I tell you about calling me at work and, DON'T TOUCH MY PHONE!" All I ended up with was his laughter.

"I know. I'm sorry, oh and the ring tone was for the pink hair dye prank, love. Any way I need you to stop by the store on your way home and pick up some red wine." Antonio demanded.

"Red wine?"

"Yeah I want to make you a fancy dinner just like old times!"

I sighed "Fine, Fine! Now don't call me again."

He laughed harder at that "Bye-bye Love you." I blushed at the statement.

"Yeah, yeah. Love you too." I rubbed the area between my eyes already getting a headache. Looking up I saw a bunch of eyes looking at me in confusion. My blush deepened.

"Well what are you looking at! Do you want to go out side? Line up!"

* * *

_Flash Back ended_

Looking at the man, I felt intense jealousy. My heart clenched terribly so and I felt like crying. Stop, Men don't cry. My heart pounded and it felt kind of like a pressure inside me. Like someone was grabbing it and tightening its grip. I forced myself to breath and looked up at the man who's name tag said 'Mr. Ted Parker'. I hope you treat your lady good you ass.

"Hello sir! Are you leaving?" Came the cheerful reply. Just like Antonio. I scowled and nodded not trusting myself to speak.

The man nodded and got out some papers for me to sign. Which I did in my 'loopy' style he used to tell me I had. Once I was done I handed it over to the guy who let me leave. Telling me to have a happy day. Like hell I'm going to have a happy day. Everything reminds me of...Antonio. I walked down the side walk hands in my pockets. The summer heat was warm and had the streets forming black shadows from the humidity.

Everywhere I turned, there was happy couples. And happy people. I growled and waited and decided to travel on the bus all the way to our-my. My apartment. I sat down on the blue bench and waited. Watching the clouds as people walked by, and cars soared on wheels. Dark grey clouds covered the sky, and dampened my mood. It was then a little old lady came along and sat next to me.

She had snowy white hair and small crescent glasses attached to chains. She smiled lightly and had a lot of wrinkles, like a bull dog. Wow, that was nice. 'Bout now Antonio would have been reprimanding me. She looked over to me resting her cane to the side. My hollow brown eyes stared into her striking blue ones.

"Hello deary," She spoke softly, the same hollow look in hers. But unlike me, she wore her wedding band.

"Hello," I greeter in return before the bus pulled up. I helped her on seeing as she had trouble and moved to sit near the window. She had followed.

* * *

_FLASH BACK_

I was laying next to you in our bed after the ecstasy we just had. I had my arms around you using your chest as a pillow. We always did fit together like a puzzle piece. I smiled lazily at you as you ran your fingers through my knotted hair. I breathed in deeply before you broke the peace and happiness with your next words.

"I have to go back to work tomorrow. Were travelling to the arctic to fish our crabs ," You mumbled against my head giving me soft kisses.

I pushed your face away "Wha-what? Tomorrow? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

You sighed at my anger and moved from my hold. " I didn't want to worry you?"

"But I was going to worry anyway! I knew you had something up your sleeve when you made dinner. God, How long are you gone this time?" Came my shocked voice.

"I'm going for a month, and I didn't make you a fancy dinner just because I'm going. I wanted to do something nice," Antonio told me, not looking at me, pushing me away like vile.

"Of coarse you do, you always do. Every time you leave you do something 'nice', making breakfast in bed, constant 'I love you's', and fancy dinner," We should stop. We should stop before we say something we don't mean. Do something we will regret.

We should stop arguing love ", No I don't. God, I have to go to work. I don't stop you when you go to work. Don't stop me. Why does it all have to do with this?"

Were to far gone, it's rocky waters now love please. Stop. Drop it.

"Because it's dangerous and I don't want to lose you!" I yelled making you look at me.

"You wont! Will you stop, your just like your brother!" Antonio's eyes widened suddenly. He knew he shouldn't have said that.

I stopped everything. All words died on my lips, it wasn't a secret to us that he was with Feliciano first. It was a rocky divorce they had and I knew he still loved him a tiny bit. But god. Hate and pain were leaking out of my eye's now. My heart clenched in a tight hold in his fist. And he knew he squeezed it to tight.

"Get. Out," Those words of poison left my lips. I didn't know where they would leave after this but god if I did. I would have held you so much tighter, so much longer…..

"Lo-lovino I'm sorry I didn't…."

"Shut up and get out! Get out! Get out! You knew what you said! You knew! I HATE YOU!" My voice was high as I screeched. Tone hitting a whole new octave. I pointed to the door before turning my back to you.…And you left.

I always did hate it when you compared me to my brother.

I always did hate it when we could love each other so much.

When we could also hate one another too.

You always did know what made me angry.

* * *

_Flash Back ended_

A single tear leaked out of my clenched eyes. I was sitting on the same bed, sitting in the same room when it happened. I held my hands over my eyes, my nails nipping at the skin it touched. I cried, toes curled, throat clenched tight, and heart dead. If I could, I would have changed it all. But you'll never know. You'll never know how much I regretted that day. But you'll never know, because your dead, love. Gone, like the ever changing seasons, even if you never did come back like winter.

My lips wobbled because I remember waiting a damn month for you to come back. So I could apologize for my stupidity. To bad I wouldn't get the chance.

* * *

_FLASH BACK_

I was at home cooking dinner. Paella, just the was you liked it. I had made it all in the tiny kitchen because today was the day you were coming back. I was happy, scared, and filled to the brim with guilt. The radio was on and I was dancing to some rock' n' roll station.

I remember everything as clear as I can see, right now. I remember, everything, every detail, every feeling, every thought. And it haunts me to this day. 'cause when you died you took my soul with you.

The window was open letting in the afternoon breeze. I had set the little wooden table up with the best dishes we had. Two dark chairs were around it. You used to always sit on the left and I the right. It was so normal for us. I put all the food onto the table. Got out the best wine. And waited.

7 soon rolled onto 8. 8 soon became 9. I sat there waiting for four hours wondering where you were. Thinking that maybe you were at Francis's home still staying there but I knew it couldn't be. I was about to start putting everything away when a knock on the door grabbed my attention.

"Who could it be at this hour?" I asked myself aloud.

Well what a shock I got when I saw one of the owners to the business there. Arthur. He had baggy eyes with tears clouding his vision. I was confused and scared. I already knew what was coming but I was in denial. I mean his clothes were rumpled, posture slumped. Ha, I knew.

"What do ya want?" I asked harshly.

"Mr. Carriedo. The ship that held your husband had crashed into an iceberg. He-" I slammed the door onto his face not wanting to hear the truth. Acting like a child.

I ran to my bedroom. The black walls inviting me in, pushing me in. I kept laughing though tears down my cheeks. Please, please, please. "It's not TRUE! Its not! He promised!…He promised." I sobbed.

I laid under the bed like a child hiding from a storm. Hoping you would come home and find me. Did you know I kept waiting at the dock for your arrival for 4 days, and my heart still seems to be waiting for you to. 'Cause your constantly around.

* * *

Flash back ended

I looked out the window of the plane. Having called my brother telling him I was coming to visit. I packed a small carry on bag with some clothes knowing he still had some of mine ,and, Antonio's there. I closed my eyes and silently cried. Hey, love, did you know I hate the ocean for taking you away? Did you?


End file.
